when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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