Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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