my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just blew my weed a kiss
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
