did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
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