Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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