I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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