We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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