Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
