We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
