Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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