life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
