every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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