My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I have feelings that need drinking.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
