Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Randomize
