I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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