omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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