I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
