Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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