I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
i out mim tonsoeep
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