just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
