Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
