Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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