I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
