If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
