Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My ass is underappreciated
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
