My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
True strength comes from lack of pants
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
