sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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