God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
