i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
