the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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