i think my tv is drunk
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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