The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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