i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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