remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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