shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
