I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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