I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
