Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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