i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
