U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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