I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
