Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
