Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
