Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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