I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I supernannyed him into submission
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
