I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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