It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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