you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
