smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
