Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
